The Value of Community and Women in Creating It

In the United States, the decision to get married is made by two individuals, but the marriage is imbedded in community.  In the company of family and friends, the couple makes a statement of love, commitment, caring and endurance.  They succeed not only because of their own compatibility, maturity and efforts but also because society supports them as a pair.

My oldest son got married on August 21, and his little sister gave a marvelous toast at the rehearsal dinner the evening before.  She was bright, she was bold, she was brief. And this is what she said before she was seated.  Liz began by observing that the quality of her brother’s presents used to be rather low. One particularly transparent gift was a tube for her brothers to tow – themselves – behind their jet ski.  In Liz’s first foray out into the bay behind our house, she promptly fell not only off, but under, the tube. Terrified, she never tried again: this start was also a finish.  Liz went on to say that the presents got better when Douglas fell in love with Dorsey and that the best of all was being given a sister.

Dorsey had earlier told me that she realized how much she loved Douglas when she saw him with his siblings. At the reception, one of those siblings properly noted that she might not have responded this way if she’d seen him in action at an earlier age.  Douglas is now a grown-up.  And he’s a better man because of his love for Dorsey and hers for him.

There’s something special about women.  They live, and develop, through connection.  Ask a man who he is, and he’s likely to respond with his profession:  “I’m a banker,” “I’m a lawyer”,  “I write for a living.”  Ask a woman, and she’ll tell you to whom she’s related: “I’m Julie and John’s daughter,” I’m Mark’s wife,” “I’m Cindy and Arthur’s mother.”  Men have tended to develop ethically through a process of abstracting and prioritizing; women through relationships and context.

Women already have massive influence as wives and mothers.  But what the world needs now is more women in power as more conventionally measured. Our world is too interdependent, economically, environmentally, politically, and militarily, for decision-makers to be predominantly male. There are too few women in government, and accordingly too little compromise, with too much focus on individual careers and not enough on group problem-solving. The Middle East lost its lead because half of its population is disenfranchised, economically as well as politically.    At its best, China, with its one-child policies coupled with a preference for males, may provide a test case of what happens when testosterone dominates a country.

Cynics may observe that female leaders like Indira Gandhi, Margaret Thatcher, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi appear more polarizing than the average male.  Objection granted.  But these four are women who have risen to power in a largely male world, according to male standards of behavior.  How would the world work if institutions had enough female leaders that other women could advance in a different fashion, with different assets highly prized?  Dare to dream, cynics; dare to dream.

In 1989, Francis Fukuyama wrote an essay that for years seemed prescient.  It also seemed exciting, at least to many a Conservative.  “The End of History?” stated that history was about ideas, and it was over, because a belief in individualism and free markets had triumphed.  Pace Mr. Fukuyama, even if history were only about ideas, it won’t be over either until humankind are also over because they’ve extinguished themselves or until we evolve into more cooperative individuals worldwide.

The biggest surprise blessing of my daughter’s birth was how she afforded all three of my sons the opportunity to be openly gentle at ages when most American males are emotionally constipated, oafishly bumping one another rather than interacting through thoughts and feelings.  “Women rule!!” is fun slang, but it should also be principled slogan for expanding their roles as representatives and leaders.